1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
