My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
