he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
