He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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