I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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