his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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