chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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