I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
