What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
