While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
