And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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