you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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