I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
