Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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