I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
