y did u give ur computer a hand job?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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