Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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