she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
