why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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