Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
