there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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