She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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