also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
