this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
