I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
