I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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