Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
