I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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