youre lurking in front of me
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
