If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
