We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
