Your mouth is God's brothel.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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