i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
