You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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