If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
