Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
So many bounce houses so little time
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
