she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
