I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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