when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
