today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
