I want to walk on stilts...naked
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
