From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
