i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
