so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My breasts were aching with rage.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
