when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
