i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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