You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
