So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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