I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
