My Higher Power is John Stamos
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You smell like stripper and shame
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
