Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Randomize
