Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
People in love make me want to vomit
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
