My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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