i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
